Welcome, visitors, to two days before the day after tomorrow. Please listen to our theme song. It is brilliantly performed for us by none other than Alfalfa himself.

Yes, it's happened. After smoking the sacred plant, Alfalfa, the divine feminine, Eris, channeled through my pineal gland, graciously revealed to the world her truest religion. (Okay, okay, so it's not actually a religion.) Anyway, get in on the ground floor now before our blessings become much, much more expensive.

This Spanky, er, spanking new faith, soon to feature multilevel marketing and really cool-looking gold-colored stars for bringing in brainwashed converts under your downline, will shamelessly promote my own continually changing interpretations (on the fly) of everything (yes, everything without exception). Its motto is, "If you don't like the theology today, try again tomorrow."

The Center for Alfalfa™ (CA, which is pronounced like "car" in Boston) is a cabal, or faction, of Discordianism. Though an extremely dangerous cult, I am fortunately both its episkopos (Greek, overseer) and sole surviving congregant. Henceforth, my spiritual connections, enumerated further down this page, will constitute the chaotic and ridiculously superstitious mythologies of the creed.

The twin rabidly fundamentalist, yet disquieting, precepts of CA, deliriously deconstructing metanarratives (whatever they happen to be) and whimsically constructing new ones, are encompassed by Unities of All Things™. I refer you to Unities of All Things™ for more bewildering and semi-useless information.

Hail Eris! All Hail Discordia!

1. Access Reiki (I am a Reiki master and Seichum master, and my Usui Reiki master lineage is: Dr. Mikao Usui → Dr. Chijiro Hayashi → Mrs. Hawayo Takata → Phylis Lee Furumoto → Claudia Hoffman-Mary Shaw → Christine Henderson → Bruce Way → Ariane McMinn → Mark A. Foster)
2. The American Sufi Institute (initiated in person, and in my home, by a disciple of Gohar Shahi into this meditation system)
3. Ethical Society without Walls (active on the website but not a member)
4. Foundation for Spiritual Unfoldment (initiated in person, and in my home, by Rajesh Ananda into this healing system)
5. The Johrei Fellowship (initiated into this healing system but not a member)
6. The Oneness Movement (received oneness blessing, a meditation technique, on 2/26/2008 directly from Sri Raniji, lay-monk and Director of the Oneness Movement North America, in a "Secret to Success" teleconference and previously attended a one-day workshop in Johnson County, Kansas)
7. Sahaja Yoga (online meditation with Shri Mataji Nirmala Devi)
8. Sahaj Marg Spirituality Foundation (initiated in person by a preceptor into this meditation system)
9. Sant Mat (initiated into this meditation system)
10. The Society of Johrei (initiated into this healing system but not a member)
11. Spiritual Freedom Satsang (initiated personally, and individually, by Sri G. Michael Turner into this meditation system)
12. Sri Sri Thakur Anukulchandra Satsang (initiated personally, and individually, by a disciple into this meditation system)
13. Usui Reiki (first degree initiate into this healing system)
14. The Way International (completed foundational and intermediate courses but not a member)
15. The Wider Quaker Fellowship (member but not a Quaker)
16. Yuen Method (completed seminar on this healing system)